Road Trip Log
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My ex had the kids this weekend. Today at church today, I almost fell into a sobbing mess, I was so overwrought with what I'd seen there. Next to me was a family, with a boy, a girl, and two twins. The father was just like me. He was begin sweet and giving his kids hugs. He was cradling one of the baby twins in his arms and it reminded me of my own children, back when they were that age.
They were too similar, too close, and completely untouchable. How much like me and my wife they seemed. How unlike us also. They were there, in church, together as a family. I recall the time surrounding the birth of a child. I'm sure the parents were not getting enough sleep. I'm sure the other children (looked to be about 5 and 7 or so) were feeling both jealousy and some inexplicable need to be helpful. But for me, I fear there will never be any more little babies. Not again.
Today's mass was the story of Lazarus. In the sermon it was pointed out that Jesus wept for the loss of his friend Lazarus. Further, it pointed out that God choose to be with us to feel with Lazarus' sisters, in our times of sorrow, because of his great love for us.
The account in the bible does indicate these things, it's true. And I'm sure he wept for me and my marriage. To be there, to feel for others in need, does seem to be central to many of the divorce recovery program, group sessions, etc.
Later on in mass, it was announced that three new Steven Ministers would be commissioned today, bringing the local number up to fifty. These men and women are charged with being there for others in their time of need, to feel with them. I might just have to look these folks up.
I do wish I didn't have the reaction to crowds and babies that I had today. When I got to my sister's house, her youngest was so sweet towards me. He was such a cute cuddly little one year old.
Why did this happen? I don't think I'll ever know. I don't think my wife has put too much time into thinking about that, and I'm not overly sure she ever will. Right now, she is way to involved with her new/old job, her new surroundings, trying to make friends, buy a house, setting up her new life for herself and her lover.
I do think that she will one day look back on all of this and will see some of the hurt that she has inflicted on me and the kids by her actions. Some of the folks that have commented on this web site have basically walked away with the question, "How could she have been this self centered?" and "Can she not see that she is hurting her children almost as much as her husband?"
Well, I'm not so sure she will ever stop running away from things and look back. I think she would be frightened at all the bridges she has burnt and the desolate landscape behind her. If she does ever look back, I hope to have healed enough to at least smile and wave from the other side of the chasm she has opened between us that she will understand that I bear a large amount of pain caused by her, but little malice.
If, as she has said, she has been and is just now returning to being a lesbian, then there is no/was never any hope for us in the first place. If, as she has said, all she wanted from me was a few children, and if she can keep loving them, she'll have that. All in all, she may grow into a happier person.
If on the other hand, she is just running from me, just like she has run from her previous lesbian relationship to me, looking for happiness, I fear she'll never find it. One thing that my various counseling sessions, etc. has taught me is that happiness comes from within. I never really saw that until recently. Now, each day, I try to do something that I like. Whether it is to tickle one of my kids, to cook some of my superb pancakes, or to read a bit on a book. These things she'll never see, running from person to person, trying to escape what she's done, for you cannot run away from yourself.
All of these are excerpts from a small pocket recorder that I used while driving down the road. I've found it good to make recordings of some of my "hamster thoughts", to keep them from going round and round in my head. You might want to try it also.
Written April, 2000.