I have had many ups and downs within my marriage. Since August 1999, when I walked in on my wife and her female lover, I realized that my marriage was in deep trouble. Several weeks later, when I was asked by my them to join in a love triangle so as to "save our marriage", I knew I had to get out. I filed for divorce the next Monday. Ever since, I have been seeking some sort of relief from the pain, loneliness, and despair I felt over my wife's betrail of our marriage. So started the trek to the lawyers, the various religious folks, as well as to the counselors that were at hand.

As was my case in Payne County, the court system there requires people who have children and are divorcing to go through a 4-hour course on how to behave with respect to your soon to be ex in front of the kids. I signed up and attended and was greeted by one of the strongest child advocate types I had to that time run up against. She went through all of the details about how I as a custodial father of three small children (two boys, 2 and 4, and a girl 9) would need to exercise great care in dealing with my children. Further, she indicated to me that in her opinion, none of what has been discussed here, even in the broad strokes that I've chosen to outline it, should EVER be discussed with my children.

About this point in the conversation, I heard several others guffaw and say "yeah right". Many were so caught up in their own grief, anger, and frustration at being in the divorce process that they could not see past it. I also felt a general confusion about where my own feelings were. In the end, I came to feel that as many of the things my wife did were in front of our children, I would not have to tell them much about the details. Furthermore, as time progressed, I came to understand both from this session and other counseling sessions that the beautiful children that I and my wife brought into this world should not be burdened with this knowledge. They would not be ready for it and it could well do more harm to them than good for my position in their eyes.

While still in this class, I felt myself letting go of the pain. This was the first indication I experienced that everything would work itself out. Later on in this class, the instructor gave a piece of homework. She suggested that all in attendance should go home and finish this sentence out for as many things about our soon to be ex's as we could. We should order these from the most painful, hateful, annoying details about our ex's that we could not stand to the small things that we would truly miss. The sentence was "I want to say good-bye to..."

I want to share with you what I wrote that evening...

I want to say good-bye to your cat pissing all over our bedroom. I want to say good-bye to your dogs jumping all over me...then running away. I want to say good-bye to your crying about a blouse that I ruined by running it through the dryer. I want to say good-bye to your inability to express emotions (in favor of door slamming). I want to say good-bye to your laziness when it came to helping with the ten acres we bought together. I want to say good-bye to all of your clutter in our bedroom. I want to say good-bye to all of the times that you did your best to belittle me and hurt my feelings. I want to say good-bye to all of the times that I kept dreaming that you would try to show me that you loved me. I want to say good-bye to your inability and disinterest in "my world", "my friends", "my hobbies", even after I supported you all the way through Vet School. I want to say good-bye to all of the destruction your "charity" towards your pets inflicted on our house. I want to say good-bye to your interest in the newspaper, books, etc. late at night rather than with me. I want to say good-bye to your giving up on us. I want to say good-bye to a warm body to snuggle up to in bed. I want to say good-bye to your smile at my jokes. I want to say good-bye to having someone I cared to cook for. I want to say good-bye to having someone to care for me when I felt bad/sick. I want to say good-bye to joining your family for Thanksgiving, eating, puzzle building, etc. I want to say good-bye to your mom, although she cannot be with us during this time, I feel a loss. When she disappeared in New Mexico, that was a loss no youngest daughter should have to bear. I want to say good-bye to the idea of taking our kids with us on our 20'th anniversary to Alaska as we discussed on our honey-moon there. I want to say good-bye to our showers together, kidding you about washing behind your ears, etc. I want to say good-bye to your hugs. I want to say good-bye to our marriage, with all of it's hope, possibilities, and fun.