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A thought hit me on the way home today. I've been betrayed.
Sure, I hear you say. So has every other divorced person on the planet. Some are firm believers that their spouse betrayed them for someone else. Others see it as an escape from abuse, neglect, or simple mundanity, into freedom. We all have our own stories. They are all true and unique to each and every one of us.
Here's my strange and unique story of betrayal. My wife of eleven years decides she wants to go back to being a lesbian. Cope.
From the moment of our wedding, I was betrayed. My kids, our happiness, all of it was betrayed by this woman who claimed she loved me. Never mind it was for her own wants and goals (namely to have children, get her Vet degree, etc.). But beyond this one person with confused and conflicted goals in mind, there was a whole host of folks who joined in.
My wife's ex-lesbian lover, who attended our wedding, never spoke a word of her involvement. Several of my wife's family most certainly knew (or at least suspected) but said nothing. If I am to take what my ex said at the time of our divorce as honest, the priest that married us told her not to say anything. I myself am also to blame for not taking what I see now as signs and acting on them then.
There is a REASON why they have that line "...If anyone knows why these two should not be joined in Holy Matrimony speak now..." It is to help people and families AVOID my situation, and countless others, just as bad.
The funny thing is that I cannot even find my anger. In the face of such a conspiracy of betrayals, each one with their own "reason" why, I still cannot fault any of the folks involved. Each in their own way was justified.
The ex-lover couldn't know how I'd handle her admissions/acusations. That and being in the Bible Belt, didn't help. She was just trying to get along in a world that doesn't understand her too well. How would it look to her new lover, to any of those around her that she was both a lesbian and had helped perpetrated such a setup on me?
My wife's family probably hoped that I could "bring her around" to the heterosexual life. They wanted what they thought was the best for her. I feel certain that none of them wanted to hurt me personally. They just wanted my wife to be happy. They all wanted more grandkids to spoil, more nieces and nephews to buy loud and annoying toys for. Too bad they couldn't have just loved her as she was. That bit of shame will more than likely haunt them for quite a while yet to come. That is part of why several of them have forced me and any discussion of my marriage or divorce out of their lives. Who likes to look at their own shame?
As for the Priest, well, if he actually said that, and I'm not certain he could have or would have, let's face it. The Catholic church doesn't put too much effort into loving the Gay community. And their views on polyamorous marriages/arangements/whatever you want to call it, is not very encouraging either. I'll not speculate here what he did. But, I have to forgive him also.
When the first of the signs showed up in our marriage, I should have tied her to a chair until she broke down and told me what was going on. However, to my own despair, I just let it slide. Maybe I should have just taken her up on her offer, thrown care and my religious beliefs to the wind and let this other woman into my life. My own pain in just not knowing will haunt me for some time yet.
But you see, the system of interlocking, non-communicating individuals did act, with or without knowledge, as a group. That level of coordination seems too grandiose for mere chance, but as they say, life sometimes is stranger than fiction.
That was when I found my anger. The sheer stupidity of not communicating in such instances was beyond belief. Something MUST be done. I think that is what brought me to admit to all of this stuff on my web site. I have a need, fueled by the pain of loosing someone I did love, to help others understand both what they have to loose in their own relationships as well as to give them a bit of a taste of what it's like to fall into that situation themselves.
Written February, 2002.