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Home > Writings > Dating Again > Here
 
spacer Well, I've read some real doozies in my search for someone to call a date. Most of these have some set of lines or phrases that all blend to mush after a few short hours. Among a few of the more popular ones are:

  • Not into games
  • Trustworthy
  • Honest
  • Good listener
  • Exciting

The list goes on and on. Unfortunately, NONE OF THESE can be ascertained by looking at someone's profile over the internet. NONE OF THESE can be trusted on face value via email. To have someone say "I'm a trustworthy, employed fella" is about as lame a reply to a lame question as you can expect.

These are all judgements you want to have men make about themselves prior to replying to your ad. First off, I'd say I meet every one of these. However, that's just my word. If you found my Ex and asked her, she would say that I'm probably trustworthy and honest. She would attest to the fact that I'm not married to her, but she couldn't say much beyond that. Again, it's all opinions or judgements made in the eyes of the beholder.

There are a separate, usually check box or radio button, set of items that are far more definable. The typical ones are:

  • What is your hair/eye/skin color
  • What is your income range
  • What is your occupation

These, and typically hundreds of others, are far more surface issues in my opinion. Although many people obviously disagree with me, I've never met anybody that could prove why one hair color was better or worse than the other. In fact, there are so many ways to change your hair color, eye color, even your skin color (to a certain degree), that it's almost silly to consider it an issue to base a relationship on.

The income and industry questions all tend to boil down to money, and whether or not your prospective mate has it. Money, being at the root of all evil things, seems to be a very shallow thing to care about when looking for someone to share your life, let alone your bed with.

Usually hidden in the middle of these questions are some of the more meaningful relationship "make or break" issues. These, in my opinion, should have a slider of some sort to say how much you care about them. It would help me and many of the other more serious types far more clearly judge where a prospects priorities are. Among these meatier issues are:

  • What is your age
  • What religion are you
  • What is your political stance
  • Are you a smoker
  • Do you drink alcoholic beverages
  • Do you have children
  • Are you married

These are far more important in my mind. I feel it necessary to be around someone who has seen the same social/societal things, to have at least a chance of saying that they have a comparable upbringing. I need to feel that when I mention "Hogans Heros" or some particular episode of "M.A.S.H.", I'll not be getting a blank stare back. I hate to talk about what president I was first able to vote for and get that shocked "you're THAT old?" look coming back.

Religion can play an extremely large role in making or breaking a dating relationship. There are some obvious examples that put a strain on both parties from the get-go that I'll not go into. However, there are a number of subtle things that even if you both say you are of the same religion, that can stress things. For instance, say you are both Catholic. However, my family felt it more of an obligation to tithe, do all of the Holy Days of Obligations, etc., and your's had a more lax approach. I might be ready to go to mass and actually look forward to it, while you might come to resent having to go at all.

Politics, much like religion, can go right to the core of a person. In some extreme cases I've witnessed, the kinds of family squabbles that can result are truly astounding. Why anybody would willingly submit themselves to such stress escapes me.

The smoking and drinking issues are among the hardest to tolerate for me, so are among the first candidates used to scratch someone off of my list. If you smoke, now or ever, I'm not kissing you on the mouth. Forget it. Not doing that, no way, no how. Between the cancer issues and the general nastiness of dealing with ash trays, asthma, cancer, etc., not to mention the money that you are flushing, I'm just not interested in that arena. Booze is another thing that I'm not overly involved in. Takes me the better part of a couple of weeks (months sometimes) to get my way through a six-pack.

The real issue with smoking and drinking for me is that it's a choice that you've made. In this regard, it's far more active than what color your eyes are (ok, hair color might be a "choice", but it's a non-sense choice for the most part, a whim). As such, if you choose to do something as foul as smoking in my presence, let alone list it as one of your "qualities", expect me to leave you alone.

Do you have kids living with you, well this is pretty obvious. If you do, the whole dynamic changes, doesn't it? Further, as children sabotaging a new relationship accounts for a significant number of second marriage failures, they need to be considered. I'm hoping I can find a way to integrate them into the dating process, at least somewhere before things get too far out of hand. I think the time to introduce a new date to my kids is about where it seems something might become of a given person AND where the kids start to act interested in the other person. "What is she like?" "Does she treat you right daddy?" are some of the questions that I expect will be keys to my knowing it's time to do that introduction.

The saddest thing of all is the "You must not be married" line. I guess there is a reason for putting this line in your profile. I can only guess that there are men out there looking for an extra-marital relationship. However, how sad can that be that women and men find it necessary to say it? If you want something like that, are there not swinger magazines, etc. that you can advertise in and leave the dating services free to us real singles? Get a life!

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