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Journal Entry, 20010923
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spacer It's been a while since last I wrote, publically or privately, about my life. A portion of this is because things have been going pretty well of late. Partially because I've been doing the "too busy to think about things" thing. Work has been hectic, what with installing a completely new cable plant, rolling out new servers, moving to a new office, cutting over to the new phone system, etc., all of which I am, to some degree, in charge of.

Personally, we have been inundated with a few changes around the house also. My EX has had her visitation schedule screwed up for quite a while now (I've had the kids much more than I was supposed to). This particular weekend, they are with her.

The drop off of the kids happened without too big of a hitch this time. We actually all had a bit of a chuckle, in that the kids had their school picture proofs back. Victoria's pictures were wonderful. Kevin and David's were, each in their own way, a bit goofy. Kevin had such a forced ear-to-ear smile that it looks fake. David never mustered a smile at all, but has the most pecular expression, somewhere between an almost-laugh and a smirk.

The only ones without pictures were us adults. Heck, I've not had a personal picture of me in quite some time. My depression over the divorce, along with my own miserable self control, has left me a good 50-60 pounds over weight right now. Not encouraging at all. I also tend to fear that I'd be somewhere between Kevin and David in having to force a smile. It'd probably come out as fake.

I have a great number of things that I need to do that I've not yet mustered the energy to do. I've got to pay the bills for this month, I need to get the refinancing of my house and land done so that I can get my round-top barn's floor poured and then I've got to errect the barn. I need to finish up all of the other little outbuildings, networking, etc. All in all, a fairly large challenge for a fairly large guy.

Emotionally, I'm afraid I'm fairly cut off right now. The one or two female friendships that I've been trying to cultivate have all fallen short of the mark. My one social outing, the SCA, has been taken away due to a socially difficult situation with a divorced SCA member. I'm having to give away some of my most treasured "things" to make more room for my kids. I find myself spending more and more time in front of my computer trying to remember what my life was like "back in the good times".

Then it all comes back. The divorce seems to rear its ugly head and remind me that the "good old times" really weren't all that good either. I was the butt of a hateful cruelty played by my EX. Oh, some of the good times might have been good enough to pass for good, but I'm left with the nagging question, was it real. Where we both enjoying the good times as a husband and wife are supposed to?

Dear God in heaven, please grant me the peace to not ask those questions again...

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