Journal Entry, 20001209
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The holidays are approaching, all too quickly. I've not even started to write Christmas cards, let alone shop and wrap presents. Money is tight, as I just changed jobs, I have not received my first paycheck yet. Told the kids on the way back from the "Sam's Club" that what we bought today might end out begin our Christmas.
Some Christmas. New jackets all around. No tinsel, no big tree, bills up to our collective eye balls.
And the kids will be with their mother this year.
I just cannot fathom how so many folks in our country (and or the world for that matter) deal with this every year. Local numbers indicate that half of all marriages end in divorce. Seventy-five percent of all second marriages. The numbers just keep looking crappier and crappier.
What with all of these people, all disconnected, all in flux each and every holiday, someone needs to actively help. I mean, if they/we all feel as crappy as I do right now, both from the financial side as well as the emotional side, it is no real mystery to me how screwed up this world is. I cannot be with the ones that I love. I cannot, as the song suggests, just "love the one you are with". All of my support groups and friends are all off enjoying the holidays with their own families and friends. I'll be stuck at my folks house, along with one sister that I am on good terms with and one that thinks I'm the worst thing since sliced bread, in a house that'll be about 90 degrees because my parent's circulation isn't so good.
We all just need some major togetherness. If someone could just find a way to bundle up the combination of Grandma's molasses cookies, the emotions of your first real kiss, the warmth of a deep spooning snuggle under thick blankets, and the joy of snagging a couple of grand in some pointless lottery, how good the world would be.
Yes, I know, I'm in a mixture of depression and denial.
For those reading this, I'm sure some of you can just shrug it off and say "Sucks to be you." For others, there is literally nothing you can do, removed by time (as my web site ages) and or space (off in a different country or such). For others, my local friends, you will read this a probably be a bit sad by it; please don't be. But don't expect me to be happy either.
I do not want to be alone, especially not in this way, with my kids separated by just a couple of hours and a piece of paper. I catch myself editing my thoughts and words into something more organized for the casual reader...and fail I fear to make too much sense of it all.
If you are divorced, or come from a divorced family, I'm sure you know what I'm feeling/talking about. That mixture of fear that the kids will come back with such a superlative look on their faces from the wonders that they've been given by their non-custodial parent (falling into the "Disney-mom" mold), that they'll look at what little you have and do that thing with their eyes. You kids understand this too, in that you know the custodial parent is trying, but the goodies bought for you by the non-custodial Disney-type are just too bright and shiny; it's natural.
But oh the tears on our collective souls.
This is part of what has affected us all. Our world's ills, I feel very clearly tonight, are all fueled by the sense that things should be better, could be better, if we were just whole again. My daughter has actually said that she wished we could all get together again. My youngest is so adorably sweet in that he simply loves whoever is closest, in the way that only a three year old can. I find myself starring at all of the holiday happiness, togetherness, and images of "impending sex" that the advertisers have crafted and just want all of those images to just go away. Good and bad. That way, I'd not have to look at my own pain.
But God doesn't allow this for us. We cannot just cut the switch to our eyes, our emotions, our EX's. We have to trust that there is some plan, some reason that God has seen fit to give us these challenges.
"Time heals all wounds", or so they say. I'm not sure which imagery I like best. Piling "new" good memories to hide or obscure the old bad ones. Having the "old" memories just fade away, like a tin-type picture. Putting the past behind us and gently closing the door on it.
From where I sit, it just plain sucks.