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My Dilbert Life
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spacer My life, as defined by various emails I've found about Dilbert and his wisdom.

I am, according to Dilbert, a...

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

...with...

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

...tendencies specializing in ...

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

...occasionally exhibiting qualities of a ...

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

...living in a...

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. That's where I work, is in a Cube farm.

...please help me!

Important Retorts

  1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  6. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  7. Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue.
  8. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  9. My reality check bounced.
  10. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  11. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
  12. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Dilbert's Salary Theorem

Dilbertís Salary Theorem states that Engineers, scientists and analysts can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
and since: Knowledge = Power
and Time = Money

it is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make...

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The website "Redline" by Roland J. Stolfa is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License.
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